There are very few things that matter to most of us more than
being liked, maintaining a good reputation in the eyes of others, and
ultimately being accepted. It certainly matters to me. I want
people to like me and respect me.* I very much want everyone to think
that I am a good moral person, that I am intelligent, that I reasonably wise,
that I am kind, and that I am all sorts of good attributes. And I very,
very much want for people to show "common courtesy" and appreciate
the good deeds and sacrifices that I do perform. I think that for many, if not
most people, seeking the approval of others is one of the strongest motivations
for "doing the right thing" in any particular circumstance. It
is for me. The thought of disgracing myself before others is almost more
than I can bear.
Most of us implicitly understand that other's perceptions of us
ultimately determine whether we are liked, have a good reputation in their
eyes, and are ultimately accepted by them. There are three factors** that
largely shape how we are perceived by others: our actions, the image we
project, and who we associate with.
Our Actions
Our actions are perhaps the most obvious factor that affects
whether people like, respect, and accept us. Kind actions, good works,
and generosity are qualities that others rightly are attracted too. Of
course, our good actions are only attractive and winsome to others if they know
about them. Accordingly, we have a desire to publicize our good
actions. So we find that our desire to be accepted is so strong that it
can even be our primary motivation for our good works instead of our love of God,
other people, and goodness itself. Jesus identified this as a major
temptation in chapter 6 of Matthew. I know that I should do good for the
benefit of others, but I often find myself motivated by a desire to have others
like me.
Our accomplishments also affect how others view us.
Generally speaking, the type of job we have, our incomes, and other types of
accomplishments certainly affect how people view us. Ideally our
educational pursuits and jobs are motivated out of a desire to better ourselves
and the world around us through our vocations as well as the practical but very
important need to support ourselves financially. However, one cannot help
but notice that other people seem to be quite impressed if I have a certain
sort of job or a certain degree. Even our leisure-time can be
influenced. I wonder how many women make a pretense of enjoying sports
and how many men pretend to be interested in certain movies for this
reason. There is nothing wrong about "going along with" leisurely
activities we wouldn't naturally be drawn to because we want to be with friends
and it can be a sacrifice to another person to do so. However, there is
also the temptation to falsify who we are and what we actually enjoy in order
to get others to like us.
Our Public Image
Perhaps it is obvious that our actions influence whether people
like and respect us. Our public image, which for these purposes I am
defining as our looks, our form of dress, and our possessions, also affects how
people view us and thus I believe that our decisions in this area can
potentially be motivated by our desire for acceptance. How we look to
others affects how they thnk of us. This may seem rather shallow, but
that doesn't stop it from often being true. That this true is easily
observable any time a good looking man or woman enters a room, and I don't
really think there's too much to discuss there because there isn't too much
that can be done to make a person look more or less attractive. Certainly
the booming plastic surgery industry is predicated on the desire to make
oneself more physically attractive and I don't think too many people get breast
or butt implants and hide them. The desire to be physically fit is also
largely motivated to increase our physical attractiveness. Yes, it does
make sense to take good care of the body, which is a gift from God. If I
am to be honest, though, my motivations in this area tend to have less to do
with pleasing God and more to do with with wanting people to view me in a
positive light, and I'm guessing that most people would find themselves in my
camp.
Slightly less obvious is that most of us dress ourselves to convey
a certain sort of image because we want other people to view us in a particular
way. I certainly do it. I have a slightly preppy, slightly academic
looking style that likely conveys to other people that I am an intellectual and
a deep thinker. For other men, it might involve wearing suits from a
high-end tailor or having a style imitating musicians, actors, or others in
entertainment. For some women it might mean wearing a particular style,
shopping at certain boutiques, or having a particular purse.*** Of
course, just as there isn't anything terribly wrong about wanting other people
to like us, there isn't anything particularly wrong with having a certain style
or signaling to other people that we are a certain sort of person. I cannot
help but observe, however, that not only does my desire to be accepted by others motivate
my actions and how how I convey my personality to others, but also motivates me to present a certain "visual image" to others based on my attractiveness, fitness, and style.
Our Associates
There is one other way in which we attempt to position ourselves
to be liked, respected, and accepted by others: we associate with "the
right sort of people." And who tends to be the right sort of person?
Most of us identify them by their actions, personality, and looks.
Generally, we also don't want to associate with disreputable people
because others might assume we do the same sorts of things or, at a minimum,
approve of those disreputable actions. Avoiding this sort of person is often
quite wise because we may start imitating their actions. On the other hand, if
a person is viewed as a good moral person, successful in business, has a good
family, or other indices of success, we like surrounding ourselves with
them. Once again, this makes good sense morally and practically because
we should be attracted to the good we identify in others and those traits can
rub off on us.
There are other, less obvious ways in which we decide who the
"right sort of person" to associate ourselves with, though.
Social skills are very important--we tend to want to avoid people whose
social skill set don't fit in with the sort of people we want to accept
us. We prefer them to have winsome personalities, but, at a minimum,
generally seek out people whose personalities are not weird in the eyes of
others and are, at a minimum, unobjectionable. For instance, have you
ever been reluctant to be seen with that person at work, church, school or
elsewhere who everyone thinks is a bit odd? Certainly an unease with
social interaction with that person may be a cause, but isn't it also true we
worry just a bit that others might think we are a bit weird too. We might
realize that he or she needs and craves social interaction and just a little
bit of kindness, but the temptation can be there to forgo that good deed in
order to preserve our good standing in the eyes of others.
The desire to be liked, respected and accepted is a powerful
one. It has the potential to motivate our actions, the image we project
to others, and the people we associate with. Yet you may say "So
what? It's perfectly normal to want to be liked, respected and
accepted. So long as the people we seek this acceptance from are decent
people, this isn't such a bad thing at all. After all, it can motivate
you into all sorts of healthy behaviors as you've just detailed. And
besides, you'll never eradicate it so why spend time trying to fight it?
Just go with it." Well, perhaps because to follow God, you need to be able
to sacrifice these desires...
………………..
Matthew 1:18-25 (NIV)
Joseph
Accepts Jesus as His Son
18 This is how the birth of Jesus the Messiah came
about: His mother Mary was pledged to be married to Joseph, but before they
came together, she was found to be pregnant through the Holy Spirit. 19 Because Joseph her husband was faithful to the law, and yet did
not want to expose her to public disgrace, he had in mind to divorce her
quietly. 20 But after
he had considered this, an angel of the Lord appeared to him in a dream and
said, “Joseph son of David, do not be afraid to take Mary home as your wife,
because what is conceived in her is from the Holy Spirit. 21 She will give birth to a son, and you are to give him the name Jesus,
because he will save his people from their sins.”
22 All this took place to fulfill what the Lord had
said through the prophet: 23 “The virgin will conceive and give birth to a
son, and they will call him Immanuel” (which means “God with us”).
24 When Joseph woke up, he did what the angel of
the Lord had commanded him and took Mary home as his wife. 25 But he did not consummate their marriage until she gave birth to a
son. And he gave him the name Jesus.
………………..
As I read this passage, I cannot help but think about
Joseph. He is a young man who is simply going about his life,
trying to live it the right way. He is going to marry a young woman,
Mary, who in accordance with Jewish law and custom is a
virgin. His upcoming marriage likely fits in with the general plan he
envisions for his life: get married, go about supporting himself and his wife
through work, have some children (God willing), meet the requirements of the
Jewish religious law, and altogether live a respectable life. Being a
man, the desire to have the respect of others is probably very important to him
and I'd be surprised if he didn't desire to have people like and accept
him. If life unfolds as Joseph expects it, all the things he plans to be
and do will garner respect and acceptance from the right sort of people.
There was nothing wrong with Joseph's plan, except that it wasn't God's plan
for Joseph. As it turned out, God's plan for Joseph involved God's plan for the
entire world.
Joseph was going to be the father of the Jewish messiah.
Now, Joseph never would have dreamed his wife would birth the Messiah—the ultimate
religious and political King of Israel anointed by God to right the wrongs of
the world. Joseph was a run of the mill working man and his wife was a
run of the mill woman. They weren't wealthy and they certainly weren't
powerful and if Joseph would have known anything on this rather fanciful
subject of who would give birth to the Messiah he would have known that the
Messiah would be born to royalty, or at least wealth. If, however, Joseph
had dared to imagine what it would be like to be the father of the Messiah (as
we might dare to dream what it would be like have unlimited riches or power)
and how he would feel about it, he would undoubtedly have thought it would be a
dream come true to have his wife birth the Messiah. If I were Joseph, I
would imagine that God would tell me that I am going to marry my wife in
accordance with the law, we will have sex, and she will become pregnant with a
child who will grow up to be the great savior of the Jewish people. I
would be thrilled that God had honored me so far beyond what I would have ever
dreamed of. As my son assumed his rightful place as King of Kings, Mary
and I would undoubtedly be in a place of honor with him and would be able to
enjoy the riches and position that his position entailed. Certainly we would
not be as honored as the Messiah, but still, honored none the less as the
parents of the Messiah. This, however, is not what happens.
For Joseph, the first thing that happens is he discovers that his
wife is pregnant. The woman he plans to marry has betrayed and humiliated
him by sleeping with another man. Mary had (apparently) committed adultery and Jewish
and Roman required a man to divorce a woman who commits adultery. Joseph
was right to plan to do so because Mary had (apparently) broken the law, broken
trust with him, disrespected him, and shown she did not really love him.
Undoubtedly as word got out Joseph would be humiliated. He
could have gotten revenge and humiliated her and publicized her action. He
could have told everyone about how this Mary had tricked him and was an
irreligious adulteress and demonstrated that he doesn't associate with such
women. Put simply, he could have spun and publicized her adultery to make
himself look good. He could have
publicly demonstrated that he found her behavior abhorrent and that his bad
choice in a marriage partner was due to her duplicity and not his lack of
wisdom. Sure, it would have humiliated Mary, but didn't she deserve
it? It must have been tempting for Joseph. It certainly would have
been tempting for me. However, if Joseph had done this, he would have
unfairly and wrongfully maligned Mary.
Even worse, he would have created false evidence for a lie that Jesus
was not virgin born but rather an illegitimate child. The Jewish scriptures indicated that the
Messiah would be born of a virgin, so this lie could have been used to question
Jesus’ very identity and claims to be the savior of humanity. Joseph wouldn’t have known that his desire to
protect and maintain his reputation would do all these things, but that is the
thing about doing the wrong thing.
Sometimes the consequences are much worse than we can possibly imagine.
Well, Joseph was better than that. Instead, he decides to
protect Mary's reputation by simply divorcing her quietly. Joseph shows
that he loves Mary and puts her interests over his own even though she betrayed
and disgraced him. He sacrifices his standing in the eyes of others and his
pride for her benefit.
If Mary’s pregnancy was unexpected, what happens next is inconceivable. An angel appears to Joseph in a dream and tells
him that Mary’s child was conceived by the Holy Spirit of God and that Joseph
is free to wed Mary because she did not commit adultery. Not only that, but the
angel tells Joseph to name the child Jesus because he will save the people from
their sins. Suddenly Joseph’s ordinary, disappointing situation has become
extraordinary and exhilarating.
Yet, there is a catch. Mary
will likely be visibly pregnant leading up to the marriage, which will cause
other people to think that Joseph did not wait until his marriage to have sex with
Mary. In Joseph’s day, society certainly
was more favorable to men than women generally, and it may well be that Joseph
would not have faced much scrutiny generally for pre-marital sex. After all,
the traditional penalty on a man for having sex with a woman he was betrothed
to was to force him to marry her. Not a huge penalty since that was the plan
anyway. For a religious, God-fearing man like Joseph, however, the public
appearance that he failed to wait until his marriage to have sex would have
hurt his reputation greatly amongst others in the community who valued fidelity
to God’s commandments.
Thus, Joseph is informed by God that he has been blessed beyond
measure and that his wife will give birth to the savior of the people. However, to the outside world Joseph will not
appear to be a righteous man blessed by God, but rather an unrighteous man who
violated Jewish law and tradition either by impregnating Mary before
their marriage or by marrying an adulterous woman. A lesser man may have even
divorced Mary anyway and save his reputation at the expense of following God
and being kind, fair, loving and just to Mary. Of course, his reputation would
have been a lie, but the temptation to put a false front to have a better
reputation than we deserve can be a strong one, so strong that we do not care
whether our reputation reflects who we really are. Joseph, however, chose to
follow God and do the right thing by Mary, despite the fact it would hurt his
reputation. He married her and even
refrained from sex until she gave birth as a means of verifying that the child
was from the Holy Spirit and not from him.
As I reflect on Joseph’s actions, I cannot help but think that if
I am to follow Jesus Christ, I have to be ready for the unexpected and willing
to sacrifice my reputation, perhaps unfairly.
I also see that doing the right thing by other people is more important
than my reputation. If Joseph’s desire
to do good was predicated on his desire to be liked, respected, and accepted,
he wouldn’t have been as graceful to Mary as he was when he erroneously thought
she had slept with another man. He might
have publicized her adultery wrongfully, which would have not only slandered
her but created a powerful lie that Jesus was not virgin born, but rather the
illegitimate child of two adulterous people.
Finally, he would have viewed the angel’s news as bad news and may have
even gone so far as to refuse to wed Mary.
This wouldn’t have stopped God’s plan, but Joseph would have removed himself
from it. It is unlikely that I will ever
have a role in the drama of history like Joseph did. However, we all have a role to play. The story of Joseph shows that God may very
well require us to be willing to lose our reputation to follow His will for our
lives. The only way we can do this when
the time comes is to love God, goodness, and others for their own sakes, not
for our personal acceptance in the eyes of others.
_____________________________
* Except for total jerks. A total jerk's opinion doesn't count because, after all, they're a jerk? Furthermore, the fact they don't like or respect me that shows they are a jerk, right?
** A fourth, very important factor is personality. Personality is a tricky topic. It seems to be a general, global term for who we are. It is also my observation that our personalities are generally fixed outside of a drastic life change. Put another way, the only times I've seen drastic personality changes in when a person becomes very much better or very much worse. The former usually results from love--love of God and love of other people. The latter results from selfishness or hate. Perhaps it wouldn't be too far from the truth to say that such changes involve a change of the very soul itself, either reforming the very person we are to a much closer approximation of goodness itself or disintegrating the self into a mere animalistic machine that seeks to consume whatever is necessary to satiate desires. To the extent that this is correct, I believe that a radical personality change cannot, at it's heart, be motivated by our desire for acceptance. Only true love or true selfishness is strong enough to do it.
*** This desire can can
certainly go haywire if we simply live to "keep up with the Joneses"
by purchasing status symbols like ever nicer houses, cars, jewelry, clothes,
toys and more, but that's not really what I'm addressing here.
